Wardrobe Malfunction

Assured customer that the Fire Department would be there by the time we finished trouble-shooting the problem. This news was well-received. Thereupon, "we" opened DSN and a nice bottle of Burgandy Chaberet 1833. This is not to say that there was no lack of intrepidation. A Fluke 88 multimeter was deployed in situ by the customer's robot maid; this was extremely fortunate as there was much blood-letting and screams of intense foreboding. This we did to release the demons that had been erroneously packed into the BIOS. So "we" removed the CMOS Battery and soaked it in a vat of day-old chicken fat. Although there were many sparks and leaking soap bubbles. Nonetheless, we carried on without fail.  

Problem: Wardrobe Malfunction: More exactly, crunching noises heard from inside the case.

Description: After profuse apologies, we set upon a quest. After many long days and even longer nights, we discovered (much to our chagrin) that there were too many free ions on the underside of the motherboard. This we intended to initially resolve by installing a worthy fatherboard, but there was a problem with the BIOS - which is to say that there was much maniacal hammering with a fifteen-pound sledge by yours truly. And we gazed upon it, and it was good. So we called our work, "The fifth day" and took our rest.

Solution: 50% sodium phosphate, 33% dihydrogen oxide, 72% dilithium peroxide

Description: There was a misunderstanding. We withdrew our troops and declared amnesty for all those who had passed away in the fracus. Trout flailed nicely.

Problem: Wardrobe Malfunction: Specifically - Gummy Bears

Solution: Immediate and total refund.

Problem: Wardrobe Malfunction: Further Clarification

Description: Now was the day of our discontent. A temperate inversion of high latitude pressure disengaged the memory from the power supply bracket; it subsequently roamed free. Later, a pack of wild wildebeests began an onslaught of bazooka fire. A fierce band of blood-thirsty cannibalistic Eskimos enveloped the settlers and struck oil. Oil!, I tells ya. Softly swaying green grasses of verdant plumes regularly inverted flamingos and dingos, Mate. This was before the alleged attack of the apothecaric chemists and lorry drivers but before the complete and absolute failure of the lifts at my flat. And tea and crumpets. Behold, there through yonder windows breaks. Softly, the anvils rained down upon the wicked and innocent alike.
Solution: Spaghetti

Problem: Wardrobe Malfunction, Not!!!

Description: You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. And why not? Is it not I who maketh the heavens to weep and the earth to tremble? Yea, verily and forsooth, t’was a very bright day, a day of exceeding brightness and of light and of seraphim and of gold and of venison. For the anger of he who is angry was upon those who shrugged the shoulder and batted the eye. Lovingly yet firmly, the hand of he who wields the hand of the hand maiden of all those who came before was seen in the shadow of the valley of death; the rocks and rills and those who throw sticks and stones will break my bones but you will never harm me. Onward, ever onward, as we march into the sun. And they

Solution: lived happily ever after.

Problem: Beneficent Benefactoring

Description: Customer was happily dividing by zero when suddenly, out of nowhere (Nowhere, Nebraska) came a thundering clattering of hooves. He turned his gaze to the East and lo, it was the Seven-Headed Headless Horseman riding his proud and powerful steed, the Harley-Davidson of Love. This caused out intrepid hero to unintentionally transpose two insignificant digits to the right of the decimal point. This precipitated a cascade failure of the left Northwest Bridge: i.e. the bridge is out! Data bits began to slide off the end and fell into the abyss of open circuitry. Sparks fell, lives were lost, the disenchanted became even more disenchanted. The woe-begotten got even more woe. It was a great and terrible day. However, we applied a little Elmer's glue and masking tape. Appendix appended.

Solution: Does anyone really know what time it is?

Problem: The Truth is Finally Unveiled - Customer spilled his Habeus Corpus into the DVD-ROM.

Description: "And I must state to the jury," screamed the defensive prosecuting attorney, "that it is He who cast the First Stone was indeed Col. Mustard with the pick-ax in the Ball Room." Silence befell the crowded, steamy courtroom. There was a stray, strained cough heard from the gallery. Miscellaneous streams of light and poisonous gases threaded their tenuous way into the hearts and minds of men and did darken their soul. Yet he strode without hesitation into the forefront of the front door, knowing that soon and without fail, there would be a cavalcade of calliopes and of Corvettes. Wending its silent tentacles laced with lavender undulations, the Octopus of Thor placed upon itself the Shield of Righteousness and the Breastplate of Honesty and the Shoes of faux pleather. This event was unceremoniously met with a mighty pelting of molten lava and of over-cooked rice balls. In that the flood-gates were rolled open without trepidation, we saw the End of Time, which is to say, no one could see it nor taste of its bounteous fruitcake, the nectar of Jumanji and of Monopoly. Tear asunder the wicked and apply the latest Service Pack. Download the drivers and upload the passengers. Sound the trumpets, they of the nearby Far Orient and those of Insufficient Light; for the sake of they who would bellow obscenities of foulest upbringing and of overdue parking tickets. And so on.

Solution: Will call customer from the garden unto their balcony with a mandolin and fife.


Call Profile: Hardware | Expansion Cards | Network Card | Damaged | Act of God (Natural Disaster